


In Need

by Emmuzka



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF
Genre: Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-12
Updated: 2010-07-12
Packaged: 2017-10-10 12:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/99949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmuzka/pseuds/Emmuzka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kris was Adam's best friend. Neil was Adam's brother. So why were they now, right on this moment, <i>outside</i> Adam's hospital room?</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Need

Kris never really liked Neil. So he didn't exactly dislike him, either but... Ok, he disliked Neil. It was just that-. Other than being born, what had Neil done to deserve a person like Adam? Didn't he _understand_ what a privilege it was to have an access to him, to know that Adam would love him forever, no matter what? And Neil was like, whatever. Adam saw in him something more that Kris didn't. Adam wouldn't have taken him to his tour _just because_ Neil was his brother, Adam genuinely wanted him there, and as Kris saw it, Neil was abusing the privilege.

So, okay, Kris was jealous. Which he knew was just ridiculous, but it didn't lessen the ugly feeling in his stomach every time Adam raised his head and looked around the room to spot Neil, to _especially_ include him in whatever crazy idea he was forming.

Also, Neil was dangerous. Kris wanted to think himself as discreet, never giving himself out, his touches and gaze never lingering. Except that Neil was smart as hell, and knew what Kris was pining after, and let Kris know that he knew.

The thing was, Kris had promised to Adam that they would be okay. Kris never wanted to see that anxious, worried look on Adam's face again, that time when he had oh so gently let Kris down. Kris still felt a twist in his gut when he remembered his full-on _Grey's Anatomy_ "Choose Me!" -speech, to which Adam had answered telling him that even as Adam loved him, he didn't _love_ him.

Whatever. Water under the bridge. Kris could deal. He had promised to Adam that the thing wouldn't come between them, and that he wasn't secretly pining. And as it came to Adam, Kris wasn't. Adam was free to move on, without thinking about hurting Kris's feelings, which was what it was all about. And Neil had joined the tour, and witnessed way too closely how Kris behaved in the occasions he managed to actually meet Adam. And saw right through him.

And one thing more, and this was the worst: Neil was attractive. Neil was Adam's brother, and he was _just like him_, only not at all. They had the same parents, the same upbringing, pretty much the same genetic makeup. Neil was younger, less beautiful, completely different way talented and considerably less gay. Neil was smarter, but he was like a version of Adam with the fabulous stripped away. Lambert lite, Kris thought, when he wanted to think meanly.

And still, Adam and Neil both had the same spontaneous air in them, the fearlessness. They shared their personal space whenever they were in the same room. Neil didn't give a damn how he dressed, but he looked plain only compared to his glittery brother. Only a couple weeks after the shaved head Twitter frenzy Adam had twittered a new picture: He had somehow managed to lure Neil to loan his clothes, and there they posed, both in full Adam Lambert regalia, made up and flat ironed. Fans and the media had exploded, again. The simple for-shits-and-giggles picture ended up as a story about Adam introducing his brother to the industry, and further more, an unintentional "Did you know that Adam has a gay bother!" -story.

Kris had send Adam a text, ridiculing his way of creating his own headlines, but Kris had saved the picture. On his computer _and_ on his phone. There was just something about it. With the full-on Adam style, the only thing separating them look-vise was that Neil's face was less sculpted. They even had the same shameless smile. Kris new that the undefined attraction toward Neil was a left over from Adam, really, but reasoning didn't make it better. For his defense, it seemed like he wasn't the only one that honed towards the overflow glow. Brad and Neil were now _such_ good friends. Yeah, right.

Kris was Adam's best friend. Neil was Adam's brother. So why were they now, right on this moment, _outside_ Adam's hospital room?

Him and Neil, sitting on the plastic chairs outside Adam's private room. Lane was who knows where, being more useful than them. Outside Adam's room was a thousand times better than the waiting room where they and the crew had first sat, when Adam was in ER and then later in surgery. This was just a regular patient room, where Adam had been transferred after only a couple hours of supervision in the intensive care after the surgery.

Still, it would have been other thousand times better to be in the room with him, to hold his hand or something. Anything. But only one person was allowed in, and his mom wasn't there yet, so in went Tommy. No talks about taking turns, Adam had asked Tommy as soon as he woke up and that was that.

Kris looked down to his disgusting cup of coffee. Was he lucky, or unlucky, to get to finally see Adam's show, just this night? Sitting here was horrible, but it was probably still better to be here, only one door away, instead of thousands of miles.

Under the intense eyes of four thousand fans and a doubled security, a knife had been thrown at him from the audience. A regular Swiss army knife, opened full so it could be thrown like a ninja star. Whoever had thrown it, had been either close to an actual ninja or gotten in one extremely lucky shot, because the knife hit Adam straight to his neck. He hadn't even really noticed, first, but had staggered, slamming his palm on his neck in surprise, still holding the microphone like he would have continued in just a second. And then he had fallen down.

If Kris hadn't been watching Adam just at that moment, he would have missed it. And, he had seen the footage. The official footage that _Neil_ had been filming, _Jesus Christ._

There had to be dozens of clips in YouTube already, and the best of them shamelessly broadcasted in entertainment news. Trust Adam to make spectacle of everything he did, even almost dying.

The coffee was still scalding hot. He wondered how it would feel to crush the plastic cup in his fist and letting the liquid pour to his hands. Kris wanted to break something. Kick a few doors in.

So, he knew that Adam kissed Tommy on stage and off stage, too, so what. It wasn't Kris's place to have any opinions on that one. It didn't matter with who Adam was having tour sex with, except now it was Tommy there with him.

It was too much for Kris just to sit there, so he jumped up to throw the coffee to a garbage bin and then hurried down the corridor. A nice, empty room would be great at the moment, but the chance for him to actually find an unlocked door to an unused room was close to a zero.

Neil got into his heels after a few turns. He didn't seem to care that they were in the middle of a public, albeit empty, hospital corridor.

"It should have been you, right? The straight one he went after, when he never goes after straights. That's what you think."

_Oh fuck Neil and his high horse, too._ "Yes. No. Yes. It's just..." Even as he had known about Adam and Tommy, but he hadn't really let himself realize that there was something deeper in there, something that Kris would never have with Adam. That was freaking hard to swallow, but he could be a man about it.

Kris turned to face Neil. He looked actually pretty sympathetic. And washed out, just like Kris. Kind of self centered from Kris to think that Neil's state of mind would concern _him_, when Neil had almost lost his brother tonight.

They, _Kris_ had almost lost Adam today. Just like that, Adam could have been gone. Could still be, maybe not today but tomorrow, anything could happen at any time. The incident, the realization of how close it had been, and Tommy in there instead of him... That was just too much to take at once. Kris couldn't just bite the bullet with this one.

Kris found out he was heaving, almost sobbing. "This is too much. I don't think that I can take this, and I don't even have a part in this story!"

Neil placed a hand on Kris's shoulder. Neil wasn't a touching type. "You can take this. It's just an emotional overload, so let it go. And it's not all about Adam, it might look right now that world revolves around him and the sun shines out of his ass, but you'll see it more clearly later, I promise."

Kris crabbed a hold of Neil's shirt with both hands. It felt like he didn't have the power to stand up on his own.

"Just, do whatever it takes. The worst is already over. Nothing here can kill you."

Kris took an even firmer hold on Neil, and planted his lips against Neil's. A desperate, almost aggressive kiss, to fill a hole of… something inside Kris.

When Kris after a moment eased from the kiss, he was left panting, still holding Neil near by his shirtfront, staring Neil in wonder.

Neil didn't make a move to remove himself from Kris's hold. "Yeah. That works, too."

 

Outside some heavy kissing in the well-lit and thankfully empty corridor, they didn't do anything that night. Then, Kris really thought that had been it, that a few kisses had been enough for letting out the steam. They straightened their ironically matching checkered shirts and went back to the waiting duty.

"You going to freak out?"

"No." And to his surprise, Kris truly wasn't. "You?"

"No." Man, they were such _dudes_ about this.

So, no freaking out. It's wasn't about the gay thing, anyway, at least not for him. Kris had tried it out with a guy, a friend actually, before he did his one-sided fifteen minutes courtship with Adam. Kris wasn't so sure about Neil. Neil seemed a pretty straight guy. But, Kris knew better than to assume things, and the hard-on against his thigh in the corridor had been a not-so-subtle hint of an open mind. And it's not like Kris would try to date him. He didn't even like him, really. Kris had to keep that in his mind, yeah.

It wasn't even the married thing. Kris was still officially married, but the proceedings were going as planned (meaning under the radar), and really, Kris had been single now for over six months. Which Neil might not know, came to Kris's mind.

"I'm not with Katy anymore, so it wasn't like, cheating."

Neil just looked at him, a confused, smile-for-the-crazy face on. "Okay?"

"Just wanted to get that out there."

"Okay."

"Hey, no worries. I'm from Arkansas, but we don't actually attempt to marry all the people we kiss."

Neil settled to slouch on his plastic chair, looking relieved. It was going to be a long night.

 

Eventually the nurses kicked Tommy out of Adam's room for the night. Kris, Neil and Lane, the three people left of the hospital entourage, took it as a sign to leave for the hotel to update their friends and colleagues on the situation. Lane and Roger had been working overtime for hours already, drafting an official statement, negotiating with promoters and putting down rumor fires.

Tommy looked tired and relieved. He still had his smudged stage make-up on. Adam was okay, he told. He had been in great pain when he woke up, but had gotten his meds adjusted quickly. Barring any complications during the night, Adam would get released the next day for bed rest. And that bed better not be on wheels, had been the doctor's ultimatum.

Kris didn't care much of Tommy, either. As Kris saw it, Tommy didn't matter. He was Adam's tour crush, if even that. It wouldn't last, Kris was sure of that. He hoped. Right now it was good that Adam had someone to take care of him. Although why it couldn't be him or Neil, that Kris didn't care to think much.

 

At the hotel, everyone was still awake and waiting for the news. Of course they had phoned the important parts of the news already, keeping everybody in the know updated, but still they wanted to heard it from somebody's mouth. Fortunately those somebodies ended up being Tommy, as he had seen and talked with Adam, and Lane, as she had the authority to assure that this wasn't the end of the tour. _And wasn't that the most important thing for all of them, the meal ticket._ Thinking petty things was just a reaction for stress, ok?

Kris and Neil excused themselves as soon as they could from the improbatu tour meeting, and without a second thought from neither of them, ended up in the same hotel room. Neil jumped to sit on the made bed and obviously tried to make himself calm down. They were both at the same anxious state. The trip back to the hotel had been chaotic, with fans and media trying to get to them in both ends. Even when the last hours in the hospital had been consisting pretty much nothing else than waiting around, it had still been too hectic for them to calm down. Just hours ago they had seen Adam go down with a knife in his neck, and the blood and the ambulance and the surgeon telling them that the knife had only _nicked_ his artery… Kris sat down, fast. He picked up the tv remote and choose a news channel, just to do something with his hands.

Then Kris sat, and watched as the news broadcasted his best friend being loaded on a gurney and to a waiting ambulance, his stage clothes red with blood. He felt detached. _Had that really happened?_

Beside him, Neil was ending a phone call. To his mother, or maybe his father. Kris tried not to listen in. He was contemplating on calling to room service for food when Neil finally clicked his phone shut.

"Do you want to-." And that was as far as he got, as Neil turned to him, _rolled on top of him,_ and buried his face to Kris's neck.

"That idea that you had previously? Do you think that it still works?"

"Yeah, yes." As Kris found Neil's mouth again, he realized that he had been barely keeping it together, and it was either this or breaking down. He chose this.

Kris raised his hands to frame Neil's face, to cup his jaw, but then he let go because it felt too intimate, like a question, or a dare for them to look into each other's eyes. Instead he crabbed Neil's shirt to remove it.

 

Adam's rehabilitation consisted mostly about taking it easy and waiting the mess of scar tissue to heal enough for him to draw full breaths. Two weeks worth of dates were rescheduled. Two weeks was enough for him to be able to sing again, and for his wardrobe to be changed to cover his neck, and give a bazillion phone and Skype interviews, but it wasn't nearly enough for Adam to find peace with _someone trying to kill him._ Sure, Adam gave a brave face, but he was exhausted.

The guy that threw the knife was identified and he confessed. There hadn't been even a reason for him to do it; He had been drunk and hopped up on adrenaline. He never would have thought that he would almost manage to kill Adam. (Later he appeared in Dr. Phil, crying for forgiveness; Adam didn't attend the show.)

Two weeks and the show had to go on. No one questioned it when Tommy gave up his bunk and moved his stuff into the back bedroom of the bus, a therapist was added to the line up with the voice coach, and the security was permanently doubled. Leila joined the crew, and Kris continued in the tour as a semi permanent fixture.

Two weeks was also enough time for Adam to get bored and miss some company very dear to him. (And also feel that he should give Tommy some time off from his nurse slash security blanket duty.) So Kris was back in Adam's inner circle again, something that Kris had missed. He wanted to be close to Adam, but that also meant being constantly on guard, to not give out too much of how he really felt.

Neil, then. Neil was nice to be with. Easy. He was one those people who lighted the room they walk into, who's attention made you thrive, just like Adam. He was nice and inspiring to be with now, but without the stress of being on guard and the pressure in your chest. No emotional rollercoaster. Just, easy.

Just a few weeks ago Neil had been dangerous, because he _knew._ And he still knew, but they didn't care, and what a freaking relief it was to be able to not pretend in Neil's company. So, they didn't bring it up, but they didn't really have heart-to-heart conversations on anything else, either. The Adam-thing was there in the background, familiar if not comforting in its subtle presence.

They continued to fool around, because why not? What happened in the tour, stayed in the tour. Kris liked it, and now he kind of liked Neil, too. They usually even shared the bed until morning. It felt nice to sleep with someone beside you.

Kris and Neil started twitter bickering. It was funny and it felt comforting, like reminiscence from the AI tour, and admittedly it felt good to swim back to the radar of Adam's fans. It was flattering to think that every little ditty they twittered or posted got attention and speculation.

The other things they did, that went under the radar. Outside twitter, Neil really didn't want to share his life with fans or casual friends. All and all, it was just easier to not make an issue of it. And it was not like they were dating.

"Hey, Kris. Come to my room, you'll want to see this."

Kris couldn't help but smile at nothing when he heard Neil's voice on the phone. "You alone?" _I want to show you something_, a new YouTube video, or weird fan gift, _any random thing_, was usually just a foreplay for some enthusiastic mutual blowjobs. Kris loved those. For the first time for maybe ever, sex was actually fun. He even laughed during sex, and wasn't even self-conscious about it. Kris was kind of proud of that.

"No, but you'll like it anyway." Neil ended the call before Kris could come up with something flirty about not knowing anything better to do in company as with just them two.

The first thing that Kris saw when he walked in was the load of stuff laid out on the hotel bed and on every available surface, a sure sign of Sutan at work. Neil sat facing the mirror, both Sutan and Brooke around him.

Kris had to stop to take it all in. Neil was, _again,_ styled just like Adam. Sutan had even cut Neil's hair to match.

Neil disturbed Sutan's eye shadow work enough to glance at Kris and slip him a smirk.

"So, let the Adam specialist answer, how do I muster. Do I pass?"

Neil didn't notice that his smile was a bit forced, Kris didn't think. Because seeing this, now… It was just weird. "Yes, you pass. What is it for?"

"A practical joke. Oh, not for the fans, I'm not fucking with them." Maybe Neil did see that Kris wasn't entirely pleased with this, but just read Kris wrong. "I'm fucking with Adam. I'm going all doppelganger on him during If I Had You."

"Sounds... Elaborate. An end-of-the-tour –joke."

"Well, we got bored. So it's a middle-of-the-tour –joke now."

Sutan nudged Neil to tell that he was finished. Neil immediately rose to give Kris the _Ta-dah!_ pose. Neil had the same hair, the same make-up, the same presence. Sutan had used his magic skills to give Neil's face the same appearance as his brother had naturally. He was even wearing the blue ringleader pants and west –garb, the double that they had for just in case. "You like?"

"You look very handsome. Not very you, but handsome." The only real difference was that Neil was still obviously carrying his getup like a costume. For him, it was just creating fun with whatever resources were available.

"You bet your sweet ass I'm handsome."

Sutan and Brooke didn't react on their half-assed flirting. They also didn't show any signs of leaving. Normally Kris would have been in haste to get them out to score some alone time with Neil, but now he was a little relieved when it was him that announced that they probably still had things to do and that he would scram off from getting in their way.

At that night, Neil really did his stage stunt. Adam loved it, he laughed his ass off and then introduced Neil to the audience as his "personal tour slave, also known as my crazy ass bother." The fans loved it, of course.

Kris watched from the side stage and didn't know what to think. He made himself scarce for the rest of night. Neil called him, twice. He didn't answer.

A few weeks and the tour crew started to catch on that something was going on with Kris. They might not know exactly what and why, but that Idol winner dude in plaid? He didn't tag along just to be a supportive friend, it looked like. Both him and Neil were trying to avoid cameras, though; only Neil was more vocal on Twitter about his distaste towards pictures.

Kris felt that something was closing on him. His somewhat happy, irresponsible and relaxed state of being was just too comfortable for it to continue without some kind of punishment. He couldn't but try to extend this happy period, though; he liked to tag along with a tour not his own, he liked the crew, Adam, and most of all, he liked Neil.

Kris found himself drawn towards his and Neil's partnership. It was uncomplicated (because they didn't talk about complicated things) and their routines without the burden of being domestic (because no one ever ended up waiting the other arrive home, and cereal and toilet paper never run out, and they never had to bicker on who's turn it was to make the bed.) And of course, Neil was fun and smart and sexy, and he gave great head. What's not to like? The burden that he now felt didn't come from their relationship, but from keeping it private.

The first sign of Kris's little house-of-nice coming tumbling down was a phone call. Then, he didn't realize that that would be it.

"Does Adam know about you two? Because I think that he should know. Now."

"Brad?"

Brad Bell gave a little affirmative noise, sounding impatient. From where had Brad scored his phone number? _Oh, from Neil. Of course._ Kris didn't care about Brad. And why was he calling, anyway?

"Um. I don't think so? That he knows? We didn't want to bother him with it, he had a lot on his plate then." And it wasn't Brad's business, anyway.

"You didn't want to bother him?" Brad's voice got higher.

"It didn't come up!"

"So, listen." Brad's voice went now to artificially low and slower. "You have been fucking around with Neil for how many weeks now, the dude who's brother you have been pining after for _fucking forever, and it didn't come up?_"

Well, when Brad put it like that, it was a bit weird. It was just… It had been easier not to tell at first, and then, later, it would have been weird to tell because it would have looked like they were sneaking around. Which they had been doing. Well, damn.

"Tell him, Kris."

"Um." Brad wasn't in a position to give him any kind of ultimatum on this.

"Tell him or I'll make it so that Neil tells him." Or actually, Brad was.

"I'll tell him, okay? Just, hold your horses."

"Okay." Brad ended the call, seemingly unsatisfied.

 

Kris meant to tell Adam right away, truly, but the opportunity slipped away every time. They were busy, or Adam had special VIP guests, or it just didn't seem like a good moment. Too bad that in Kris's head, not confronting Adam prevented him from being with Neil, too. They hit a rushed period where every night was a bus night, so at least he didn't felt like lying to Neil when they simply didn't have the time to be together.

 

It was just nine in the morning when Kris was roused from his sleep by persistent knocking on his door. He shuffled to open the door. Neil would have just walked in without knocking, Kris has slipped him the extra key card the previous day.

The last remains of sleep escaped quickly when Adam marched in, slamming the door open and almost hitting Kris on the shoulder with it. Tommy and Monte followed him, without asking if they were welcome. They weren't, but it didn't matter at this point. Kris had now caught on what was this about.

"Brad told you?"

Adam was taken back for a second. "Brad what? No, Neil told me." Adam crossed his arms, as waiting for an explanation. As clichés went, that was pretty intimidating.

Kris didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. Not a good choice, as Adam seemed to lost the thread of patience that he had possessed previously. He started pacing. Kris just stood there and took it.

"You didn't get me, so you went after my brother? Do you realize how screwed up that is? As jokes go, that in no point was funny!"

"It wasn't about that! Please believe me, I didn't end up with Neil because I would have thought of him as a replacement! And it wasn't a joke, and it wasn't meant to be funny!"

"Well my brother seems to think so! To him, it's fucking ironic!"

_Wait, what?_ "Neil thinks he is just a replacement?" Kris pawed his face, trying to keep up with what was said. He needed a Red Bull, and not to be standing there only in his underwear on. "No, it was never about that!"

"No? It's Neil!" That seemed to be the sealing argument in Adam's claim by itself. Monte and Tommy stood there, nodding. What was this, a freaking jury session? And Tommy could just go to hell, he had no right to be here, witnessing this.

"I know how Neil's brains work. He thought, in his own way, that he was helping you out, and it would be just for some uncomplicated fun. And being the asshole he is, it only now came to him that instead of you two, the joke was on me!"

"It just happened! It wasn't about you!"

"I'm sorry but I don't believe you."

Kris really wanted to be dressed for this conversation. And where was Neil, anyway? "That's… okay. I can see your viewpoint in this."

Kris wanted to pause this thing, to think it over. Maybe he had, subconsciously, picked Neil because he was the closest to Adam that he could get. If what Adam had said was true, Neil had thought that all along, except that now the joke had run overtime.

"You want me and Neil to end it?" He just had to put it out there, say it aloud.

"Yes!" Then Adam seemed to deflate somewhat. "I mean, it's not my place to order you to do anything, but that's what I want."

"You're not angry at Neil, aren't you? You two will be all right? Maybe not now, but eventually?" Neil was Adam's family, and Kris would never stand in the way of one's family, not if he could help it.

"Yeah, I'm pissed as fuck but we'll be fine. But maybe you might want to take a break from the tour."

_Had Adam just uninvited Kris?_

"Unless, you and Neil wanted to take a break, together?"

Maybe Kris should be grateful for Adam for him even thinking the possibility that Kris and Neil could be something more than a joke, even if he firmly believed that they had stared as one.

"Just, wait there." Kris rushed to the bathroom and slammed the door behind him closed. At least here he would hear himself think.

Kris really didn't want to think about this. Again. _Please don't make me choose between you two._ But Adam words rang true. Kris could take a break, and maybe they could somehow patch their friendship, making it hold through both Adam's rejection and Kris finding comfort with his brother instead. Or, he could decide to stay with Neil, to built the whatever he had with him, but then they both would be better if they left the tour.

Kris didn't want to give up the friendship he had with Adam, not for any price. It had already took a beating, and stayed alive, and letting that go? That wasn't really an option. But a large part of Kris' and Adam's friendship, whether they liked it or not, was based on unresolved sexual tension. At first it had been a comfortably safe zone for both of them, but even when the tension had turned to pining from Kris side, their friendship had survived. But if Kris was in an actual sexual relationship with Adam's brother, that would screw up the friendship. That would be emotional adultery for both of the relationships.

How had he ended up screwing this so? If he chose to try it out with Neil, he would have to cool it down with Adam. Then he should try to convince Neil of him being serious, which, at the moment, didn't seem like something that Neil would believe. And still there would always be the dark cloud nearby, reminding of them on what this relationship was originally based on.

If he chose to end it up with Neil, _-we had a nice time but I'm not seeing this going anywhere, no hard feelings-,_ would that be because of Neil and him, or because of Neil, him, and Adam? And how unfair was that, taking third wheels in consideration when deciding things like this.

Did he even want to make it serious with Neil? Or was it still about him not wanting to be _that guy?_ He had to think about this. Did he genuinely have feelings towards Neil? Yes. Had his feelings towards Adam diminished? No, they hadn't. And Kris hadn't known that he was even be capable of holding two torches at the same time. And for two brothers, even. Damn was this screwed up. The truth was that if Adam would at any point hint at him that he would be available, he would dump Neil without a second thought.

_Oh my god._ Kris stared himself on the bathroom mirror. Adam was totally right. It was about Kris settling up with the next best thing. He was such an asshole.

Now that Kris let himself think it, the longing that came simply from Adam being in his hotel room was uncanny. As much as Kris didn't want to be that guy, the thing with Neil had never been more than a tour thing.

But Kris didn't _do_ tour things! He was the guy who would find someone, and date and fall in love, and then they would move in together and buy furniture together. Neil was the first person he'd ever been with, who didn't come with the furniture dream. Kris wasn't sure if that made him an asshole or just a dude who had adjusted his views of life. He _wanted_ to slip into that together-forever –dreaming with Neil, but he just… didn't. They had started their relationship, their thing, in the worst possible situation. To be honest, it never had developed to a genuine real thing from that.

Kris wanted to slam his head against the bathroom door. Instead he opened the door, for just a crack.

"So, um. Would you ask Neil to come here when you'll see him? And please leave."

Kris drew the door shut again and sat on the floor, back against the door. So instead of facing them, he had waived his white flag from the bathroom. Great. But he had already left his dignity on the bathroom floor, so whatever.

 

When Neil finally came, Kris had had the time to pick himself up, shower and dress. Then he had just sat and waited, thinking what he was going to say. Kris jumped to say his lines before Neil had even properly closed the door behind him.

"Neil, I'm so, so, sorry. I wouldn't have started a thing with you if I had realized that I was using you to… That you were a replacement."

Neil looked somber and serious. "That's okay, man. I never realized that we weren't on the same page with this. I thought that it was all about "Fuck you, World!" for both of us."

"Yeah, maybe it was, but I just didn't get it then, because I'm a dimwit?"

They sat down on the bed, side by side.

"Soo.. We are like, broken up, now?" That came out with a small smirk. Kris was instantly relieved.

"I guess so. Let's just say it was mutual, okay? Then we both have the equal chance to go tell all to the tabloids."

"Heh. Yes."

Kris took a hold of Neil's arm, not caring if he couldn't just do that without asking, now. "I'm truly sorry, you know."

"Yeah, but it takes two for a fuck-up, right?"

"But I was the deceiving one."

"Self-deceiving. Doesn't count. You didn't realize what you were doing."

"But you knew what was going on, and you thought that I knew, too! If we would only have talked about it…"

"But we didn't. Not communicating, that's the first rule of all great fuck-ups."

Neil let out a dry laugh. "Can you believe this, that we are actually _talking about our feelings?"_

"Yeah. Funny." Only not really.

 

One down, one to go. Kris had decided to be a man about this. No bathroom door between them this time. Also, no silent backup jury for Adam, either.

Adam took his apology with all seriousness, without smirking, without waving it away or saying it was nothing. And then he said that it was still the best if Kris would leave the tour for a while.

"I don't... I don't want to lose you, okay? We just need a break, to clear up our heads. To think what we really want. I'm not throwing you away, for any reason."

_But in a way, you already did, twice. When you said no, and when you almost died. Makes anyone to turn to the next best thing._

Kris wanted Adam to pull him to a hug, but they both just stood there, facing each other. As Adam had said, they needed time.

"Kris?" Adam sounded almost rejected. Adam still wasn't one hundred percent, and it hurt Kris to see him in distress that him had caused.

"Yeah, no, you won't lose me. It should be me begging not to throw me from a moving bus, here."

"We are in a hotel." Then Adam went back to serious. "So, no permanent walk-out, from anyone's side, is that clear?"

"Crystal." Now Adam opened his arms a little, a small inviting gesture he was allowed to ignore. Like hell. He slammed himself against Adam's chest and held tight. If it would be up to Kris, he would try, always, no matter the fuck-up. And again and again.

End.


End file.
